Title: The Caller, AKA She Was Phone
Rewatchability: 1 If you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it.
Plot: A pretty generic girl gets a pretty weird call that may or may not be a wrong number. Turns out it’s a crazy old woman with the power to make inter dimensional phone calls. Spoiler alert - SHE WAS PHONE THE WHOLE TIME. Also the old woman is with her younger self, hurting her younger self. The coolest part of this movie was Human Being Luis Guzman was inexplicably in it.
Characters: 3 because Greendale.
Body Count: ????
Did you fucking like it?: It was a fucking ok way to kill an evening.
Netflix *s: ***
Summary: Wrong numbers and Greendale Alumni dump hot oil on a little girl.
Time Stopped (If applicable): n/a
Notes: “That movie still made no sense. It was inception with a phone.”
Cool makeup, cool closet shenanigans, cool, coolcoolcool.
Title: Insidious (BRRRRRRNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG), AKA The Coma, the Witch & the Sith Lord
Rewatchability: 5. We’ve seen this movie like 4 times each, and Lissa swears she will not sit through it again because it is too scary. I will not sit through it again because it was not that great the first time.
Body Count: 0
Did you fucking like it?: Some parts were great, especially the last 30 minutes. It dragged in the middle, but we must have enjoyed something about it if we sat through it more than once.
Netflix *s: ***
Summary: Boy meets Sith Lord, Sith Lord falls in love with boy. Boy astrally projects his dumb ass right out of own his body, and boom: shenanigans. If you were dazzled by the ghosts in Disney’s The Haunted Mansion and wowed by the fearsome face paint of Darth Maul, then congratuations: you are this movie’s target audience. There were a lot of jump scares and jangly, untuned piano, and also some good ole body snatchin’ fun. In the words of Vinnie from The Jersey Shore, somebody definitely pulled a robbery.
Time Stopped (If applicable): We went all the way. Four whole times.
- If your kid ever slips into a coma, you should definitely check his room for drawings of Darth Maul.
- After the movie we regret to inform you that you will have Tip-Toe Through the Tulips stuck in your head. You’ve been warned.
- It’s important that you keep watching until the end, because the movie only really comes together and gets scary in the last 30 minutes or so. The payoff comes in the form of a creepy family. Stick around, their brief scene will make the whole thing worth it.
- Unfortunately the main villain remains a total disappointment. Use an emory board, you stupid fuck. And get some decent music, maybe something that doesn’t remind us of our senile old grandmas.
Title: Clerks 2 AKA This Needs No AKA
Your Name or Tumblr URL: We Can’t Stop Watching
Rewatchability: I’m bored, let’s watch it again
Plot: This movie is so plot-driven I forgot Nicolas Cage has a bird on his head
Characters: Yeah, they’re ok
Body Count: 0 but it was still great
Did you fucking like it?: Fucking loved it
Netflix *s: ****
Summary: After a fire claims the Quik Stop, Dante and Randal sell their souls to Mooby’s, a fast-food empire. Meanwhile Jay and Silent Bob have come back from rehab. Fans of The Crying Game will enjoy Jay’s performance.
Time Stopped (If applicable):
- If you’ve ever worked with an overly naive Christian teenager, then you will immediately love Elias
- If you are an overly naive Christian teenager, then this movie probably isn’t for you
- This movie taught me how to wrangle
- And how not to ever think about donkeys
- This movie is old but well-loved
- See it if you haven’t
Title: Last Breath AKA The Greatest Story Ever Trolled
Your Name or Tumblr URL: We Can’t Stop Watching
Rewatchability: Never. Ever.
Plot: It was better when there wasn’t one.
Body Count: I don’t want to ruin this cinematic masterpiece for you.
Did you fucking like it?: No, we did not fucking like it
Netflix *s: *
Summary: Enter your average American couple. Couple enjoys classic American pastimes like drinking too much, verbally abusing their son, and yelling at each other like animals. Then one night Aragorn shows up, but instead of taking them to the shire they wind up on the abandoned set of Saw. Oops! Strap yourself in, grab your Viagra and your water cooler full of moonshine, and prepare for 90 minutes of the most tedious torture you’ll ever see.
Time Stopped (If applicable): We went all the way
- There’s nothing I can say that won’t give away the “surprise” ending.
- Pretty sure the “surprise” was tacked on at the last minute.
- Pretty sure the writer was high the whole time.
- "Aragorn knows but one way to make a movie"
- The soundtrack should have been Trololo
- "They wrapped his dick like a baked potato at a mid-range steakhouse"
- "That is some dramatic blood"
- This movie was about an hour and twenty minutes too long.
Drag Me to Hell
Title: Drag Me to Hell AKA: Sorry About All the Dead Animals, but You Shoulda Bought a Mac
Your Name: We Can’t Stop Watching
Body Count: LOL like… a few?
Did you fucking like it?: Eh.
Netflix *s: **
Summary: Pretty blonde loan officer with pretty stupid boyfriend gets into a cursing match with an old gypsy woman. Hilarity ensues. The special fx will make you laugh in a good way, as it’s very slapstick and reminiscent of The Evil Dead series. This girl is no substitute for Bruce Campbell, but she tries hard enough.
Time Stopped (If applicable): We went all the way.
- How many times can the same exact thing happen in a movie? Sam Raimi seeks to answer this question with mixed results.
- If a gypsy woman asks you for leniency on her mortgage, just say ok, bro.
- Do you think Justin Long was embarrassed to be in this movie?
- Or was the movie embarrassed to star Justin Long?
- Goats make poor spirit vessels because they have teeth.
- Curses make excellent re-gifting items.
- A sign you may be doing it wrong: playing the old switcheroo on yourself
- I think this is a morality play about the evils of poor organization. I’m sold.
- Where is my label maker?
Title: The Unborn AKA: If You Have a Scary Kid Monster, Please Don’t Call It Something As Ridiculous as “Jumby”
Rewatchability: 2 (BUT only if I could start at about 52:50)
Body Count: 1-50 LOL
Did you fucking like it?: Not fucking really.
Netflix *s: **
Notes: Nothing really makes sense until the last 30 seconds, and even then it’s more of a waah waaaaah moment than any kind of actual plot twist. If you want my advice, skip forward to 52:50, which is where the actual scares begin. You should know these important plot points before you do this:
- There is a Jewish monster called a Dybbuk and it possesses people because of Nazis.
- It’s trying to take over the body of a hot chick. Why it has been as-yet unsuccessful is beyond me, because it has no problem invading everyone else’s body to try to get to her. So far it has only managed to make one of her eyes cloudy. Whatevs, everyone knows blue eyes are hotter anyway, amirite?
- Part of the movie takes place in an old folk’s home - or maybe it’s an asylum. I’m not sure, but it’s irrelevant except to add some creepiness. The rest of the plot is pretty much irrelevant.
Actually, please feel free to make up your own plot. I just did. I went for “Hot Chick wishing for blue eyes gets more than she bargains for when she makes a deal with the devil” and it was infinitely more enjoyable to watch a second time around. This is why I’m giving it a 3 instead of a 0.
Time Stopped (If applicable): N/A
Summary: Hot chick vs. a Jewish demon with the unfortunate nickname “Jumby.” If you like your horror super-formulaic and with minimal tension building, then please see this film. Otherwise, I think Dead Birds did the creepy child monster thing way better.
Title: Stag Night
Rewatchability: 0. I could not even get through it the first time, bro.
Plot: The Jersey Shore gets tossed out of a bar, gets on the subway and continues the party. I think one of them gets pepper sprayed. Bro, that girl was definitely not DTF. Then they all get off of the subway and stand on the tracks like morons. Somehow they’re surprised when the train pulls away and the infamous New York underground cannibals come after them. It was so fucking dark you couldn’t really see what was happening. There was a lot of barking dogs and I think Rob Zombie was chasing people.
Characters: 0- I WANT THEM ALL DEAD
Body Count: Like 4? I wasn’t paying attention for a while.
Did you fucking like it?: No. I did not fucking like it.
Netflix *s: I would click “Not interested” if this showed up as a suggestion for me. Then I’d delete my account after being so insulted.
Notes: I’ve been more afraid leaving the mall after dark.
Time Stopped (If applicable): 50:28
Summary: 50 minutes I will never get back. However if you like douchebags, dark tunnels, or cannibals that talk like Jar Jar Binks? Totally the movie for you.
HOW TO RATE
It is arbitrary. Use it anyway.
(Used for movies of any genre including documentaries and any television series including reality television)
0- I couldn’t even finish this piece of shit
1- I did not pay attention and thus did not enjoy it
2- I would watch this movie/show again someday
3- I would watch this movie/show again within six months
4- I’m bored, lets watch it again
5- This movie is Mean Girls/This show is Top Chef
1- This had a plot?
2- This had no plot, I hated that
3- This had no plot, I liked that
4- This had a decently engaging plot
5- This movie was so plot driven I forgot Nicholas Cage has a bird on his head/This show is composed of challenges that are relevant to my interests
Characters (0, 3, 5)
0- I WANT THEM ALL DEAD
3- Indifferent/some are ok
5- Yeah, they’re ok
Body Count (#)
0 Why did we watch this?
50-100 Little excessive…
100-6 million FUNNY AGAIN
Did you fucking like it?
I hate you for even suggesting this, _____(friend’s name, own name).
It was ok.
I fucking loved it.
Arbitrary star rating you gave it on netflix (* through *****)
\o/ (there were tits, they were good)
/o\ (there were tits, they were not good; there were no tits)